Burnout

calendar Jul 21, 2025 · 2 min read · Burnout

Starting today, I have two weeks off work. My mood and energy levels have been particularly low recently, and it has felt like they have been gradually worsening over the last six months or so. I am not suicidal; I don't want to kill myself. However, I frequently find thoughts to the contrary appearing in my brain. I will wake up, and something in my head says "I just want to die". I don't want to die. Why am I getting these thoughts? Something must be wrong. Perhaps my environment is unhealthy, or perhaps I need to be medicated differently from how I currently am.

I have two weeks off work. This time is for rest and recuperation. I need to reset, and get my brain back to a good place. I am intentionally avoiding plans for this time. I want to know what my brain wants to do, and I want to give it the freedom to express itself and have me respond positively.

I get anxious about not wanting to do things which I have committed to. I worry about having planned to do something with someone, and then just not feeling up to it. I can of course ignore these feelings, and go ahead regardless. This prevents me from disappointing whoever I have committed to spend time with, but risks draining my energy further. This isn't a problem if I'm reasonably well rested and have ways to manage feeling drained, but that isn't currently the case. I don't have effective ways to deal with my low mood and lack of energy.

What would I do if I had complete freedom to choose? If I didn't have plans, if I didn't have obligations. Say, if I had two weeks off work with nothing planned. I don't know the answer to that. I suspect I'd do a decent amount of gardening, and probably play some video games. I'd probably go for walks, and see some friends. Maybe I'd do some programming, or play some guitar, or go to some events. Maybe I would just stay at home, and isolate myself in my bedroom. I hope it's not that.

I have six things which I know are necessary to feel good.

  • Exercise
  • Being outside
  • Socialising
  • Drinking water
  • Eating well
  • Sleeping well

— ML