Saturday
It's a Saturday morning, and I have no plans. There is a party this evening which I may go to, but I don't intend to decide until later. I have few things I need to do, and much freedom available to me.
Some tasks on my mental to do list include:
- Move my PC into its new case
- Restructure my pc's storage
- Tidy my bedroom
- Paint some plant pots
- Take care of some plants (repotting and the like)
- Read more of Snow Crash
- Play guitar
- Book a guitar lesson
- Support the DB upgrade work for my job
None of these tasks particularly fill me with excitement.
I have a tendency to approach free time with structure - what should I do? What will I do? I find it much harder to answer the question of "What do I want to do right now?". Only by not thinking about it, by putting my shoulds aside and accepting that I may end up doing nothing, can I experience my actual wants and desires.
I feel a lot of guilt around how I spend my time. I'm conscious that I have a limited amount, and want to use it in accordance with my values. I believe I am the beneficiary of a great deal of privilege, and as such I have a moral, social responsibility to use it to benefit those who don't receive the same.
This results in a lot of guilt, as any time I spend time on myself, it feels unfair. Why should I receive further benefits, which ultimately I am free to distribute as I choose? Since I have so much already, shouldn't they go to others who are less fortunate? How selfish of me to choose to have an evening in, relaxing, when I could spend that time supporting others instead.
The "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others" narrative is relevant here, but much less so than if I were closer to survive than thrive.
What do I want? What do I want to do, in the short term (5-10 minutes), as well as longer term. My thinking naturally turns to these introspective, self-analytical paths, as they have been well trodden by past me. In trying to avoid a lack of productivity, I have trained myself to set off alarm bells when it feels like I'm not actively being productive. Is it necessary for me to be consistently productive? Is it sustainable? Do I want to be consistently productive? How do I define productive?
These questions are mostly rhetorical, and the answer is generally 🤷.
— ML